Cowscapades, by Mary Hinton

A Real-Life Selection of “Cowscapades:” What happens when our cows decide to be naughty. Or, a manual for cows with obstreperous aspirations.


1. Walk casually through the electric fence to munch on grass on the other side. Sometimes, the grass really is greener on the other side.

2. Run and clumsily jump through the electric fence, tearing many posts out of the ground and scattering the line throughout the pastures. Because sometimes walking just isn’t exciting enough.

3. Walk through the fence, wait until it is repaired, and then do it again. Repeat. Because it’s more fun to be naughty when the boss thinks he’s really got you under control this time.

4. Eat nothing but apples when grazing in the orchard, and have too big a bellyache to make much milk. Because it’s worth it. So worth it.

5. Jump through the fence to hang out with the beef cattle. They’re so cool.

6. Jump through the fence to hang out/breed with the young heifers. They’re so hot.

7. Pull the milking machine off during milking by stepping on it. Sometimes, you don’t really feel like being milked.

8. When the boss comes to the orchard to pick up apples and put them in buckets, knock the buckets over and eat all of the conveniently collected apples. Thanks boss!

9. Flip over the plastic feed troughs and water tubs. Soccer!

10. When the boss has taken away all the apples so that they aren’t tempting anyone anymore, eat the apple trees and any apples they happen to be offering. Thanks trees!

11. Run through the orchard at a fast but clumsy gallop, mowing down anything in your path. Even beehives.

12. When the boss is dragging the trough to a new pasture and wants you to follow it, stand in it and eat all the yummy minerals without having to walk all that distance to get it.

13. Pull the milking machine off again. It’s funny.

14. Run away every afternoon at 3. There’s a lovely house half a mile through the woods that is such a great hangout spot!

15. Chew through the electric fence whenever it’s off. Then poop on it, right where it needs to be tied back together.

16. Hold it all in until you’re in the milking parlor and the boss is in the pit right below you, putting on the milker…not paying attention to your tail, which is slowly lifting up and to the side…

17. Every time the boss walks by, moo like you’re starving, then go back to munching the knee-high grass you’re surrounded by.

18. Pull the milking machine off and turn around. Ha ha, what now!

19. Flip over the trough and push it up a tree. When the boss comes to give you minerals, he won’t know where it is! Hee hee, he’ll never find it in the maple tree!

20. Walk through the fence and run away to find apples. Sweet, sweet apples. Which way is home, again?

Maybe we’d better not let the calves read this-they’ve been so good lately.